Morning (updated)

"When Wisdom is needed, you just have to relax and open your eyes. You'll be amazed that what you're looking for is just right in front of your face."

Something to think about while eating alone, or while riding a jeep on your way somewhere, or perhaps while staring at nowhere.

Romans 12:3-8

For those who wonder what their role really is in a society as big as what we do have (like me), this is worth meditating on.

I've been kinda having this feeling that I'm not really playing an important role in every societies and circles that I'm in. I mean, like, even if I vanish away, they won't really notice, simply because there's a lot of other people who can do a lot, as in A LOT better than I do. And it made me struggle to look for and try things that I feel would give me a sense of self-importance, like a better role (pushing myself to take a difficult degree, looking for a good job, trying to earn a lot, trying to look good all the time, etc.), or look for another circle where I think I would fit in (struggling to find a relationship, trying to get into other social networks, simply containing myself in a box, etc.). At the end of the day, it just left me bothered, worried, and restless. Little did I notice that I do actually have an important role that I have already been playing. This morning before I went to bed again, I opened the Bible app on my phone and that verse came out. I read it of course, and made me realize that, the role that I have to play has something to do with the talents and gifts and things that I'm capable of doing, and those things that I really enjoy. For example, all this time I've been learning and enjoying public speaking; I was engaged to student leadership; for the last 4 years I've been exposed to different cultures and sets of people in different places; I do enjoy psychology (well, not the memorization part, but the part where you analyze the mind and behavior of people); I haven't really had a perfect chance to get into any relationships yet. With all that, it made me think that I may not really be to become a great student leader (I aimed to become the president of an organization so badly, but didn't happen), or become a good lover yet (just met someone, but it just won't work its way to getting there), or becoming a good student, or maybe becoming someone I think is really cool in front of everyone (have been trying to impress and please everyone, but ended up being disappointed). Maybe my role really is, just becoming a friend -- to my family, to my friends, to my work and schoolmates, and to all that I'm yet to meet. Maybe I am to pursue the role to provide moral support and guidance to people. That maybe is the reason why I learned the things that I know, like cultural diversity - to know more of how different people think, a bit of psychology - to connect it with their behaviors and tendencies, public speaking - to be able to send the message properly to people, the Gospel - to know what to say and what principles to share, leadership - to know how to guide them. Maybe my role really isn't the kind where all people will see me do great things, but merely doing important stuff at the background. Not my kind of stuff really (because I know I'm the "pasikat" type), but cool enough, that is something that I have already been enjoying doing, only that I oversee it. And maybe, in the future, I maybe doing some other stuff still, but that role will be my guide on what path to take, socially and professionally.

Now, I'm not really saying this to brag, or maybe humiliate myself, but more of, if there is someone who has the same issues like this (which I do not know if it is something common or not), maybe it would help to start focusing on the things that He gave you, and the trainings that He's been giving you in life, for you to know what you really are going to pursue during your entire existence. I'm pretty sure you've heard of the teaching that our purpose in life is to give glory and praise to Him, but giving glory and praise is not limited to the ways of the "religious". That is one way, but don't forget that He is artistic enough to create different ways. As a matter of fact, He is setting us to be unique from one another. You can do that as a preacher, a teacher, a business man, a painter, or whatever. The only common denominator is, you do your role established on this 2 most important reasons: because you love your neighbor, and you love Him.

I am not a Painter

I don't why, I don't know what went wrong, but I really am a loser when it comes to visual arts. Maybe because I'm colorblind, or maybe I just really can't. Haha But this time, I'm gonna try my luck. This time I'll be talking about, weird enough, paintings. 

I was reading a Yahoo! article about the great Mona Lisa, and I remembered how it's been one of, if not the, most controversial paintings ever. The smile (which they're not even sure if it really is), the missing eyebrows, the eyes, and all that. Even the emotion, and the purpose of the painting itself. All that running in my mind, my imagination started to play around with me and started visualizing how the painting might have been done -- from the canvas fabric, then outline, then the paint and the colors until it gets the image seen. And then, with the progression and the complexity of doing such, I came to realize that for the past how many years that I've been breathing, I actually have been painting my own portrait.

I started out with a plain cloth, and a brush which I wasn't sure how to use. With my small, uncontrollable hands, I started out striking the cloth with the brush, but no color appeared to be there yet. I didn't know that I had to dip the brush first, then do what I have been doing. But even before I did, a gentle hand held mine with a pencil, and started to draw an image which I couldn't really understand because it was done in very fine lines. Years went by, and my hand with the brush, still being guided, then started dipping it in the colors on the board, choosing light colors -- white, light brown. I felt happy and satisfied with what I was seeing. For my young eyes it appeared to be totally pleasant. I realized that I was being guided to draw the first half of my face. More years went on, I felt that my guide's been using light colors. Though I still found it pleasant, I started to think of trying to do it my way that time. Years passed by, and I felt that my hands were strong enough to resist the guidance of that gentle hand. I struggled hard, and finally, I was able to choose my own hue. I took a darker color and tried it, but it didn't appear right. I tried dipping it on the lighter color but it got mixed up with the darker one, and so it started to change the image that I was trying to create. It was then showing a chaotic, dirty cloth. It turned dark, and messy. I tried and tried and tried doing all that I thought will make it better, but no. It only became worse. More years came and it was pure struggle of finding the right color, the right combination. That's when my hand got too tired, too exhausted that it couldn't move the brush anymore. Surprisingly, it started to move again, but it wasn't my effort anymore. Little did I know that the guiding hand was and still is, all the while, on top of my hand waiting for mine to give up for it to guide again. And so, it started moving again, and to my delight, all the darker colors have become the shadows enhancing the image itself, and again, adding lighter colors a clearer picture was made. Another year came, and half of the my face was done, the other half still on process, and at first I found it weird. My left face is all good, but as the guiding hand holds my hand and does the work, I see it painting the right head with like, a crown; though it appears to be a dark crown, not gold nor silver. I see that it has sharp edges too. And I also see red droplets dripping down from it, and the face looks bruised and wounded.

As I look at this almost-done image of mine, I learn more who I really am, how I look like, and how and who I should be. I'm just glad that, first, Someone already did the draft for me. Second, there's been a hand so gentle and artistic to hold my hand and even correct the mistakes that I've done without condemnation. And lastly, that Someone shares his face with mine and makes the portrait a picture of me in and with Him.

Manuel, 2011 (Glancing Back, Smiling Forward)

2008 was my year of transition...


2009's the year of pleasure and consequences...


2010 is the year of discovery of the other side; learning and coping...




2011... 


The year of application. The year of understanding -- knowing who, and how capable I am. Challenges came, yet REST filled my heart and made me stand sturdier and more stable. Temptations were present, but I was kept untouched for I am COVERED. Disappointments tried to eat me -- tried so hard that most of the time I almost gave in, but, His ASSURANCE and LOVE are just too powerful for me to give up. This year, I was enabled to apply all that I've learned from the previous ones. Most of the time I doubted, I trembled. But He never failed to constantly tap my shoulder, lift my head, and say "I've already done it all. Cheer up son! Trust me when I say I've done it all...". Many will say I was not able to get anything this year. As a matter of fact, there was a lot of disappointing events that happened. But what they do not know is, this truly is my year of the MUCH MORE. I learned how to be more trusting, how to keep myself at peace despite of all that's negative, how to share smiles and laughter that brings out hope and optimism, how to be a blessing, how to remember, how to accept... All this I gained not because I'm good, but because even before I got them all, He already made me realize that I already have everything with Him; that all I have to do is to believe more, and for me to believe more I need to know more of who He is by establishing a closer relationship with Him. 


And now, as the year ends, I look back to all the things that had happened -- good and bad. Then, look straight forward to the coming year with a huge smile and a declaration: "There is no stopping in getting better! 2012, greater things we are about to share! I definitely am ready, you should be! haha!"

"Christian, you might have been inconsistent, but He consistently led you back to where you should be. In everything, don't worry! Take courage! For He who started it will surely make it come to pass... Keep the fire burning..."