42mins before midnight

"Christian, I'm not gonna let you speak this time. You know you are in great trouble. You know that you've been very shaky, and that you're doing things that you know you shouldn't be doing.You're aware of your weaknesses, you know the things, or persons, that lead you to the direction that you've chosen to condemn. You are scared, you fear your innate capability to destroy all good things that was already set for you. You fear your random choices, your reckless moves, for it already placed you in spaces of darkness and uncertainties and sorrows and more condemnation. You strongly feel within you your vulnerability, your stupidity, your shamefulness, insecurities, inconsistencies, your imperfectness, your gigantic flaws. You know there is a monster living in you. And you're scared of the fact that once it totally wakes up, all the brighter sides of life will all be covered with creepy darkness. You know all those very well... But there's one thing you're forgetting. You are with Him and He is in you. The very fact that you're struggling proves that He's not letting you go. Just be patient, and never let go of the fire that's still (and you can't deny that you can feel it) burning in your soul. It's good that you know how imperfect you are, but that comes with a side note. Jesus loves you NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what. You're still perfect and loved and cared for no matter what. At the end of the day, it's not gonna be about what you know, but it's gonna be His love. Only His love. You remember that, Christian...."

51minutes after midnight

It's been a couple of weeks now. Still, I'm not sure where I'm going. I have lots of plans. My planner's full of it. But I don't know. I always don't. Why is it that everything appears to be a circular path. Same steps I do take everyday. Why do I feel alone? Why do I feel like i'm stuck even though I know I'm physically moving? Why is it that even if I laugh, I still feel something heavy somewhere in me? I'd like to believe that my mind and emotions form a manual mechanical engine. Every movement is physically controllable. Outputs depend on what you put in, and how you make the engine work. You can pull a string to make it run faster, another to make it slow. Push the button to make it stop at your own will. I've had my engine for the longest time, but it's like it's just now that I'm starting to realize that I still don't have a full grip on how to make it run appropriately. I've tried pressing buttons, different controls, still it's not running the way I wanted it to. My brain cells are getting number and number, my veins and arteries starting to feel dry and empty. My mechanical being is deteriorating. I'm fearing the day when i'm senseless enough to stop working.

 "Christian, you know there's a voice. You can hear it. It's saying something, and you can only understand once you start focusing to it. Let the world roar, let it shout all deficiencies that it sees you have. Leave it doing what it does best, making people deaf enough to listen to it. At the end of the day, it's still gonna be you and HIM... Better not move yet, using your own effort. Let Him move you..."

One Afternoon

"In the silence, not of the world, but of the mind, there is PEACE."

Sometimes we just have to sit down, stare at the beauty of all that's moving. That's when your sleeping mind wakes up. And when it does, it'll talk to you. It'll share its dreams while it's sleeping, showing you the things you weren't aware of, making known to you all that your eyes failed to see. That's when peace comes. Realizing the things that you missed out while your body is awake.

In loneliness you'll realize that all through out, you really haven't been alone. Frustration comes whenever we compare. We may not be comparing a thing to another thing, nor a person to someone else, but we compare it to what our eyes want to see, to what we want to feel. But when we learn to compare with the right point of reference, the right PERSON OF REFERENCE, we will still, definitely, get frustrated but with understanding and appreciation. Frustration will not stuck you up somewhere anymore, but it'll serve as an opportunity to open other great opportunities. That's the Art of Comparison. HIM.

Manuel, 2010 (A New Year's Verse)

I started the year weak and vulnerable; have been belittled and underestimated by many. At certain points, got respected and praised by some.... This clearly is a year of EXPERIENCE, a year of INTRODUCTION to the other sides of life. Still, despite of the darkness of the night-life, despite the temptations of the warmth of the street lights, there's always been a Voice consistently pulling me up, showing the real meaning of LIGHT. And as the year ends, I may still be that same weak, vulnerable man that I've been, but at the end of each and every day, that Voice, His voice, will always prevail.



I say GOODBYE to the darkest, yet most fruitful year I've had, and HELLO! HALLELUJAH! to the year to come. A joyful one to everyone! :D

"Don't be blinded by the pleasures of the world. You know what is right. You know where you should be. Just free yourself. If in case you can't, don't lose hope. He'll do it for you. Keep the fire burning in your heart. There is more to life. More..."