51minutes after midnight

It's been a couple of weeks now. Still, I'm not sure where I'm going. I have lots of plans. My planner's full of it. But I don't know. I always don't. Why is it that everything appears to be a circular path. Same steps I do take everyday. Why do I feel alone? Why do I feel like i'm stuck even though I know I'm physically moving? Why is it that even if I laugh, I still feel something heavy somewhere in me? I'd like to believe that my mind and emotions form a manual mechanical engine. Every movement is physically controllable. Outputs depend on what you put in, and how you make the engine work. You can pull a string to make it run faster, another to make it slow. Push the button to make it stop at your own will. I've had my engine for the longest time, but it's like it's just now that I'm starting to realize that I still don't have a full grip on how to make it run appropriately. I've tried pressing buttons, different controls, still it's not running the way I wanted it to. My brain cells are getting number and number, my veins and arteries starting to feel dry and empty. My mechanical being is deteriorating. I'm fearing the day when i'm senseless enough to stop working.

 "Christian, you know there's a voice. You can hear it. It's saying something, and you can only understand once you start focusing to it. Let the world roar, let it shout all deficiencies that it sees you have. Leave it doing what it does best, making people deaf enough to listen to it. At the end of the day, it's still gonna be you and HIM... Better not move yet, using your own effort. Let Him move you..."